New Year's Resolutions 2015

The whole fam-damily

I NEVER make New Year's resolutions.  I know I'll break them.  

This year, however, it feels right.  But I'm going to try to make short term resolutions, achievable and not daunting.  Impossible expectations are why we fail to keep promises to ourselves.

Here goes (in no particular order of importance):

1. Continue to work out/exercise a minimum three days per week, preferably four a minimum 40 minutes 
2. Reduce my calorie intake by 400 calories per day.  
3. Reduce my alcohol intake (about 3 drinks ea evening) to 1 (=400 cals)
4. Eat more fresh produce.  Juicing counts so we (hubby & I) should juice daily.
5. Eat less bread.
6. Try to ignore, excuse, ignore or forgive my MIL who is now 88 and lives with us.
7. Fight less with my husband, i.e. stop feeling defensive.
8. Buy new clothes when I lose 10 lbs.
9. Worry less about my sons and their futures.  Is this possible?
10. Stop obsessing over my fading looks.  Is this possible?
11. Keep my job for at least one more year (hopefully 3).
12. Adopt another pound dog.

13. 
    

    
    

    Our wonderful dog Dewey 

    Meditate as often as I can.
14. Don't worry about my swearing.  It's what I do.
15. Enjoy life more; worry less.

TRX at the gym

Okay.  This seems doable.  It's also not a monumental list.  It's common sense.  Perhaps I'll put it in the sidebar of this blog so I have to look at it often.  

I hope your New Year brings you happiness, health and peace.  It's what really counts!

Happy New Year!

I don't often post personal photos on this blog.  I save the reminisces for "Empty Nest Evolution".  My husband and I said "Au revoir" to our sons the beginning of December.  We put them on a plane to Australia and we don't know when they will return.  They worked and saved to buy one way tickets and one year work visas.  We've heard from them once, Christmas Eve, and are happy to report they are having a marvelous time.

My sons (L & Ctr), their traveling bud (Rt) & their closest "girl" friend 
Dec 5th  Last night in Boston before leaving for Australia

Our farm house Christmas Day

Our yard Christmas Day

Creek running through the yard Christmas day

It snowed Christmas day and has continued since, great for our local economy which feeds 8 ski resorts and depends on tourism.  A white Christmas is always a plus.

Happy New Year to you and yours!

Happy Turkey Day!

As chief cook and bottle washer today, I know what I'll be nippin' between prepared dishes...

Enjoy your day, hopefully, with family, friends and loved ones.   

A Day of Remembrance

The Easter season is the most poignant Christian observance with its many themes of persecution, mockery, innocence, death, and, ultimately, triumph over Death.  Christ  winds up his 33 years on earth with an accelerated round of appearances and talks designed to spread God's word before he goes.  Christ is crucified, dead and buried on Good Friday.  He is risen two days later to walk among his disciples as proof of his divinity compelling them to tell the story.  It's an amazing affirmation of Life after Death.

My parents, my brother and I celebrated Easter in the same manner each year.  Mother would take us to shop for an "Easter outfit" to wear to church.  Sunday morning, dressed in our finest, we would have a big breakfast, usually prepared by my father, go out to the back yard and snap some family pics, then head to church for services.  I would miss that to this day if it weren't for my awesome family.

Easter Morning ca 1965 or 66

My brother & I in our back yard

This morning, my sons got up early.  They showered and dressed and readied themselves for church.   I wanted to attend but cannot yet drive, thanks to a recent operation.  They were there to accompany me.  My husband surprised us as well by going.  It was wonderful.  Afterwards, we went home and began the time consuming process of putting Easter dinner together.  My leg is painful and swollen so I cannot cook.  My MIL bought an 8lb leg of lamb, dressed it and had it ready to go.  My younger son tried his hand at a 40 year old carrot cake recipe that is out of this world.  My older son peeled potatoes for mashers and helped anyone who needed it.  My younger son's GF made a beautiful salad.  My older son's childhood friend and GF brought Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory apples, beer and wine.

It was a group effort.  Everyone helped.  Everyone served dinner.  The meal was unbelievably perfect.  The dessert as well.  Afterwards, there was dancing in the living room, lots of happy talk and laughter.  My husband and I sat on the sofa, watching 6 young adults have fun; telling each other how lucky we felt and how happy we were at this moment in time.

Easter Morning 2012

Happy New Year...

...from my family to yours.

Fathers and Sons

Alpha Dog  & His Pack
2007 or '08

My husband thinks this is a terribly corny name for a photo.  He is the "Alpha dog" to our lovable dogs, Dewey (pictured) and Zoe.  He is also dad to his two sons, also pictured.  Of the three, the dog is the most obedient. 

Happy Fathers' Day all.

 

Elizabeth Edwards 1949-2010

 Wedding Day 1977

 

Young Couple in Love

 

 Happier Times

 Cancer

 

In Memoriam

Happy Mother's Day

 Last year on Anna Maria Island.  This was the best vacation we've had as a family.  I treasure the time together as the mother of two wonderful boys and a husband whom I've known since I was 16 years old.

Between Nests

My husband and I currently live in his mother's farmhouse after selling the home where we raised our sons for twelve years.


Hedi and Me by Cole-Scott

We sold it for monetary reasons.  My husband became disabled in 2006 and unable to work.  He recovered slowly and in terrible pain.  As a distraction, he returned to his first love, photography which he is now pursuing as his vocation.  I work for a local tv station in a small resort area and we make ends meet.  When we sold the house, we had five weeks to move so we moved into MIL's place to see if it might work out.  She has a large home which she offered to share.  Her husband died last year and she is physically frail though mentally sharp.  We took over the upstairs and she took the downstairs.  It seemed ideal but right away there were problems.

For me the biggest problem is I no longer have my own kitchen.  I have unpacked a tenth of my kitchen belongings and I store them in some cabinetry we bought.  I am a pretty good cook and I like to try new recipes and make well-planned meals.  Unfortunately, she likes to hover in the kitchen, be in the way, talk non-stop while I'm trying to concentrate and generally offer to help, oversee or whatever.  I have asked her to consider my cooking the way she considers her art:  personal and private.  Doesn't work.

My husband and I feel the need to keep our voices down when we're upstairs.  She has ears like a bat so you can't be sure if she can hear you or not.  We never feel alone because she seldom leaves the house.  She is 95% sedentary.  Because she is 83, recovering from recent surgery and just submitted to making a will, she wants to know what our plans are.  She wants us to stay.  I want to leave.  My husband doesn't know what to do.

She's a querulous old woman with an opinion on everything!!!! What ever I'm doing or going to do, she's already done it and done it better or with the very best of the best, etc.  You get the idea.

I have a strong sense of family and obligation but I find myself angry and resentful and frustrated.  Our younger son will soon be gone and it will just be the three of us.  She may recover well enough from surgery to take care of herself but my experience with my folks tells me that won't last long.

What to do?

Inner Child

Sunset Northern NH

Today's appointment with the therapist was, ostensibly, to discuss our new living arrangements with MIL.  It began, however, as a rant of frustration with my younger son who'd agreed to attend the therapy session then bailed last minute because he was out late partying.

My therapist is a wise man.  The anger I was feeling towards my younger son came blurting out first and next thing I know, I'm asked to examine the feelings behind the anger:  disappointment in my son, insecurity about my parenting skills.  He then proceeded to have me break down the insecurity as it related to being a child.  What's the earliest incident of insecurity I remember?  I immediately focused on my discomfort in Jr. High, as a nerdy, unattractive girl with few social skills outside my own small circle.  From there I remembered an incident in the 4th or 5th grade where the cliquey group of kids to whom I did not belong, they called themselves "The Royal Family", persuaded me to join them in pelting my best friend with orange peels during a lunch time fracas in the girls bathroom.  My best friend!  It bothered me forty years til we re-connected and I wrote to her about it, apologizing.

I was asked about my home situation at that time, how did my parents get along?  I replied that my father would pick fights with my mother when he was tired or in a bad mood.  He'd browbeat her and she'd protest but take it, rarely fighting back.  There were no obscenities or physical abuse, just anger directed at Mother.  I hated it and wanted her to leave him.  

The therapist asked me to be the nine year old, to get in touch with the feelings I had then.  Hard to do.  Eventually he pointed out how being a young child in an unstable family situation would imprint insecurity and teach me to retreat from standing up for myself, etc because that was my role model. This leads to anger and lashing out, etc.  I protested saying I'd found my voice as an individual when a teenager and probably went too much the other way...standing up for myself to the nth degree, getting in people's faces (including my fathers') when I felt I'd been wronged.  He showed me how I carried this insecurity and anger to the present day, suppressing my fear/anger/insecurities with the real situation and later lashing out at a loved one.  It's a learned pattern.

I am now asked to "be with that little 9 year old girl" whenever these feelings arise.  I am to provide a safe place for her to come and be protected.  I am to learn to help her.  It's a tall, weird order but I think I can do this.  I'm just amazed at how much I still have to learn about myself, others and life.

Incredible series on this subject on PBStv right now.  Check local listings for:

This Emotional Life explores ways to improve social relationships, learn to cope with depression and anxiety and become  more positive, resilient individuals.
Part 1: Family, Friends and Lovers demonstrates that relationships are not only important, they are central to our emotional well-being.  Part 2: Facing Our Fears examines negative emotions such as anger, fear, anxiety and despair and how they play a part in the balance of life. Part 3: Rethinking Happiness offers research supporting the theory  that many people look for happiness in the wrong places.

Friends Indeed Part 2

My husband wrote this to include in all the thank you notes we will now write.

"Friends in need" may be "friends indeed" but friends in a time of need are truly the best friends. My sincere thanks, to one and all, for your kind thoughts and gentle words.

My Father's Service:

Given his lifelong lack of religiosity, we decided to celebrate my father's passing into the Great Beyond with a "Bon Voyage" party, rather than through a more traditional service. Monday night, thirty or so people gathered in remembrance. We ate good food, drank expensive booze, and thumbed through photos and memories (mostly true) from back in the day. The life and times of my father were well represented. When it came time to pop the corks on the champagne and offer a toast to the man and his times, his presence was palpable.

My father's favorite author was Oscar Wilde. As part of Monday's sendoff, I spent some time gathering quotes from the author that seemed to best represent his life view. I hope that those of you who knew him well concur with my choices.


It is absurd to divide people into good and bad. People are either charming or tedious.


Life is far too important a thing ever to talk seriously about.


I can resist anything but temptation.


Children begin by loving their parents; as they grow older they judge them; sometimes they forgive them.


I like persons better than principles, and I like persons with no principles better than anything else in the world.


I love acting. It is so much more real than life.


Nowadays most people die of a sort of creeping common sense, and discover when it is too late that the only things one never regrets are one's mistakes.


Moderation is a fatal thing. Nothing succeeds like excess.


The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it. Resist it, and your soul grows sick with longing for the things it has forbidden to itself.


To get back my youth I would do anything in the world, except take exercise, get up early, or be respectable.


I think that God in creating man somewhat overestimated his ability.


We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.


A fond d'adieu, avec un bon voyage et plein de bonne fois papa.
(I don't think resting in peace is in the cards).

Friends Indeed

Monday night, we threw a celebration of my father in law's life at our home. While not a lot of the people who came knew him well, he had met many over the years as he was always a presence at our parties. So, when my husband published a beautiful obit which ended with an open invitation to our home, he underestimated the response. He expected 10-15 people and I just looked at him and said, "You don't know our friends."

About thirty of our closest friends came, bringing great food and lots of love. I had set the table with my mother's china and silverware; we had a full bar serving everything in crystal glasses. We had a huge spread, from appetizers to several
desserts. The flowers we'd received were placed around the living room and my husband set up the CD player with Frank Sinatra, Billie Holliday, Ella Fitzgerald and Count Basie, his father's favorites.

The music played, the food was plentiful, the drinks flowed. Our minister came by, my husband's tennis partner, my in law's neighbors, and my son's friends. Everyone made a contribution by their presence and their gifts. When the time was right, my husband served champagne to all and called for a toast. It was short and sweet as he told everyone this was his father's 85th birthday, how much their being there meant to us, and how much his dad would have enjoyed the party. It was wonderful.

I had been out to dinner the night before with a few of these friends and talk of funerals, death and wakes was the topic. One of the "girls" told a story about a recent wake she'd attended at the very elegant restaurant where we were eating. The daughter of the woman who died had ordered all her mother's favorite food, chief of which were grilled cheese sandwiches and macaroni and cheese. Everyone started talking about what food they'd want at their own wake and one person said, "I think we should have the wake before we die so we can enjoy it." We laughed like hell at the concept.

It's so good to have friends.

Watercolor by Laura Trevey

Life and Death

Yesterday was a sad day for our family. My husband's father, who was recently felled by a massive stroke, died early in the morning. He was about to turn 85. His passing is a blessing; he was confined to a nursing home, bedridden, paralyzed on one side, unable to speak. None of us were sure of his comprehension other than the light we saw go in and out of his eyes. My mother in law is devastated. He was part of her life for sixty years and she is bereft. As the mother of another friend of mine, after losing her husband of 47 years, said recently,

"Half of me is gone."

That is a powerful statement. It made me stop and think about the feelings I will have if my husband goes before me. I've known him since I was 16. While I remember life without him, we were married, divorced, re-married, I don't want to think about that any longer. A long lasting relationship does get taken for granted. The after shock of this sinks in once we are irrevocably parted.

A real tragedy played itself out yesterday as well in the life of my elder son. Over the weekend he called home full of concern about one of his best friends. He had gone away without explanation after his girlfriend broke off their relationship. He'd talked about suicide and my son was concerned enough to contact the police. My son spoke with the ex girlfriend and she too was concerned, having contacted the boy's parents who lived in other parts of the country. Everyone's worst fears were confirmed when the news came yesterday afternoon this boy of 23 years, just graduated from college, son of a well-to-do family, had locked himself in the family garage, got in the car, turned on the engine and gave up his life.

My son called last night sobbing. He'd lost his grandfather in the morning and a dear friend that afternoon. It was just too much to bear. I sobbed along with him, unable to comfort or hold him; my heart breaking.

I lost a close friend like this ten years ago. She was unhappily married, living in Las Vegas, away from her beloved San Diego beaches. She drank too much. She called sporadically. But she never reached out. She just went in the garage one day, turned on the car and passed out in the seat. That was ten years ago and I've never understood it nor stopped missing her.

Losing my husband's father, the boys' grandfather, is sad but it is part of the life cycle. He lived a long and full life; most of it quite happy. The terrible act of suicide is tragedy; the implications heart wrenching and far reaching. Everyone is affected. We choose to remember the departed in good times but it is the death that haunts us.

Wondering always, "Why?"

Good Friends

Last March, my girlfriend & husband threw a party. The weather outside was frightful but about 60 people drove to her home in the Maine countryside to enjoy a lively and "informal Tex Mex" banquet. She comes from a restaurant family and is a very good cook. She prepared empanadas made with slow roasted pulled pork, refried beans, hot hot chili, corn bread, several kinds of salads, fresh fruit & cheese, enchiladas, guacamole, roasted asparagus, taquitos; it was grand. I prepared a double layered lemon cheesecake with lemon curd topping. Someone else made a Mexican chocolate & cinnamon cake with milk frosting. There was a slushy machine churning out margaritas. You could just walk up, pull the lever and "that frozen concoction" came pouring out.

These photos are from the party. Left is the party giver and artist, Joelle. In the middle is our Swiss friend, Ladina, an amazing skier and athlete. I'm on the right. We girls met when our sons were in third grade. Between the baseball, football, soccer and more, we found ourselves car pooling, cooking for team dinners, planning picnics and time for the families to share with one another. We incorporated our husbands which forever cemented our relationships. Over the past twelve years we have exercised, partied, cooked, played, cried, clung to one another and laughed our asses off over anything we can. In the photo above, we are discussing the benefits vs the defects of high heels while holding Joelle's 4" heels which she has now taken off because her feet hurt.

I'm now 57. Ladina is 51, I think. Joelle is 40. Our friendship is based on a mutual love of the same things and the enjoyment and respect we have for one another. Raising our kids has been easier because we share our frustrations and fear, give good advice when we're asked and sympathise with one another. Our parenting skills are in synch. One night, Joelle and I ferreted out the location of an illegal kid drinking party, drove there, walked in the front door, big as life, pointed to a group of sullen looking boys and said,

"You, You, You...GET IN THE CAR!"

Out came our three boys. I think they were freshmen in high school. Boy, were they embarrassed. My son said it took two years to live that down, heh heh.

Every time we share a meal, we touch glasses and say,

"Here's to us! Here's to good friends."

Recipe for a Happy 4th (or any summer meal)!

For me, all holidays revolve around food. I don't know what you all are making for dinner or the picnic, concert or fireworks show you'll attend but I'm bbqing spare ribs. I'm slathering baby backs with a home made rub courtesy of a Bobby Flay recipe, letting them absorb that overnight and then basting them with a grilling sauce over a very low flame on the grill three shelves up for several hours. I'm making home made potato salad, cole slaw and probably some kind of corn bread. All recipes are old and tried and true.

We used to attend a fireworks show and take a picnic basket of food. Every July 5th we would pack a big lunch and take out our ski boat and spend the day on a lake. It has been a tradition for years. This year, however, the incessant rain has interrupted those plans. Instead, my husband and I celebrated the beginning of the long weekend last night by attending an outdoor concert with Diana Krall.

We went with two friends, driving to Meredith, NH on Lake Winnepesaukee where we had dinner at a wonderful restaurant called The Lake House at Church Landing. After an incredible meal that included appetizers of mussels in a cream saffron sauce, crab cakes, and the house salad made with Gorgonzola cheese, we had entrees of swordfish, hangar steak with grilled peaches, and a perfectly done medium rare slab of prime rib. We were stuffed so we rolled ourselves out of there and drove on to the concert venue, Meadowbrook Outdoor Pavilion.

It was, after a month of rain, a perfect night with the moon out, some clouds, mostly stars, warm breeze. We enjoyed fresh squeezed margaritas during the performance and the acoustics were fantastic. I never realized what a great musician she is until I watched her play. Great backup group consisting of an electric guitarist who looks like Clapton but plays like Wes Montgomery, drummer/percussionist and bass player. It was like being in a large club. Very intimate.

I'm currently reading a biography of Julia Child, a Penguin Lives series, by Laura Shapiro. It is FASCINATING and makes me feel a whole lot less embarrassed about my love of food and my own cooking! Can't wait to read her autobiography now.

Anyone looking for a good rub? Here's the Bobby Flay recipe from "Grilling for Life":

Espresso Rub

1/4 finely ground espresso beans
1/4 C ancho chile powder
2T Spanish paprika (sweet paprika)
2T dark brown sugar
1T dry mustard
2 tsp kosher salt
1T ground cumin
1T fresh ground black pepper
1T dried oregano
2 tsp ground ginger
2 tsp cayenne

Keeps in a jar in a cupboard up to one month although I've kept mine a lot longer.

Marriage Vows

I watched a couple restate their vows in church this morning. They've been married 50 years. It was an incredibly touching moment and I acknowledge the unlikely longevity of marriage nowadays. What struck me most was how I feel about marriage in general. It's work. Alot of work. But it is not impossible nor is it inevitable nor is it incredible.

I have been married 34 years. It will be 35 in January. I thought about the highs and lows and the hard parts and the good times and the bad times and thought, "What the hell, if you want it bad enough, you can make it work out."

Does this mean I'm super human or special or unique? No. I'm just somebody who wanted to make it work out for a variety of reasons.

I cannot tell you how many times my husband and I wanted to separate; how many fights we had when we threatened to "leave". We were divorced three years. That was early on. We'd been married five years, suffered through a natural disaster, and didn't weather the storm. No kids, no money, no fault.

We remarried three years later...three years we referred to as a "hiatus". We've never regretted that. It was necessary and it was awesome.

I can only say that whether our reasons for staying together make sense or not, they work. The reasons are many:

the children
the years we spent together
the fear of living without one another
the shared experiences
the children

Are those good or bad? Doesn't matter.

I am old school. I think divorce is too convenient. We take the easy way out when things get uncomfortable. Marriage is like a business, a partnership. It's for many reasons, not all of them are about love. There is the inevitable business of raising the family. If you have children, you owe them. It is no longer about you. It is now about the children. Too many people forget that. We, as adults, should be forced to take a test to have children. It's just too easy to have kids and walk away. Children are the future. We owe them. We've already made our mistakes. It's time to give to our children. I believe that more than I believe anything.

If children are the future, we owe them our best, no matter we've left our best behind us long ago.

Beachin' It Part 3 Final Installment

First Night at Sunset

After the Storm

Island Liquor Store

Great Blue Heron

Beachin' It Part 2

We made it!

Funky Motel

"My name is Bond, James Bond."

Sunrise on the Anna Maria Pier

More to come in the next few days!

Endings

Yesterday morning, at 9:30am, with his family surrounding him, a man I really adored died of cancer. He was 66 years old. He was everything I like in a man: big, strong, funny, challenging, sarcastic, headstrong, steady, steadfast, loving and kind. He was the father of six girls and one boy who did not live past childbirth. He left behind the girls, now women, his wife of 47 years and twelve grandchildren, ten boys, two girls. He was the father of my best friend in New England. He was a man's man.

He was a Massachusetts State Trooper. He had great stories. Man, he could tell great stories. Two Autumns past, I had the great good fortune to spend five days in Nantucket with him and his wife and my best friend and her husband. The days and nights were filled with his stories of growing up on Cape Cod, learning to fish, police anecdotes and the like. He was a character out of a novel such as Richard Russo would invent. A real guy. He had his faults, plenty of them. He was away from his wife and daughters for long stretches of time during their youth; they were raised without the constant presence of a man, which they sorely needed. There was disappointment and resentment toward him as the girls grew up and he tried to re-instate his influence. His daughters, you see, are as pig headed as he. It was bound to happen.

His cancer diagnosis came too late. He was mis-diagnosed for two years with lower back pain. He had prostate cancer, something we've come to believe is easily contained if caught in time. By the time his was discovered, it had entered his bones. But he fought it all the way.

His family rallied round. His wife took him for the almost daily radiation. His daughters took turns helping out. He lost 80 lbs right away; then more. He wanted to stay in his home til the end and he did, surrounded by the things he had helped his wife collect and build during their long relationship.

In the end, he was with the people he loved the most, his family. They spent Easter weekend at his home waiting for the end. The day before he let go, he told one daughter to pack his things... he was "going fishing."

"Are you going to Cape Cod," she asked.

"Yes."

"Are you going to see Gramma and Grampa?"

"Yes."

She said he smiled and was happy. Fishing was the great love of his life. It was his passion.

I picture him now, standing at surf's edge, with his line in the water, a cigar in his mouth, waiting for a bite.

God rest.