Soap Opera Therapy

My mother hooked me on soap operas during my junior year of high school.  "Days of Our Lives" was my introduction to the genre.  My classes were over by 12Noon and I often came  home to find her watching this show while eating her lunch.  It was a fairly new soap opera at the time, a new generation of soap operas that included "General Hospital" and "One Life to Live".  I remembered my babysitters and elders watching "Edge of Night", "Guiding Light", "As the World Turns" and "Search for Tomorrow" but this was the first soap I really watched.  I watched it for the next seven years.

"Days of Our Lives" cast probably in the 1970s

My dad's secretary, Marty, loved "Days of Our Lives".  During the summers I worked in Dad's office, Marty and I watched it together. We took great pleasure guessing what direction the multiple stories might veer off in.  My mother eventually went back to work as Dad's bookkeeper and the three of us commiserated or rejoiced over the story lines.  I can see us now in front of the small b/w portable he had set up in the reception area.

By the time I married, I could no longer luxuriate in the drama of Doug and Julie (illicit romantic couple), Addie (mother of Julie; originally married to Doug until Julie stole him away), Dr. and Mrs. Horton (the patriarchs whose children were all screwed up). I now had a succession of  9-5 jobs and pathetic 30 minute lunch breaks.  "Days of Our Lives" was filtered through whatever my mom told me and, without the ability to watch, I gradually lost interest...or so I thought.

The invention of the VCR revived my interest.  I had accessibility again.  I was in my early thirties with a serious career and a husband who owned consumer electronic stores.  He brought home various VCRs and Sony's Beta machine hoping to predict which format would win the  video wars.  Most of the original characters were still in place, at least, the ones I really liked.  I became addicted for another few years.  Mother and I could, once again, ruminate on Doug and Julie's undying love and what the new generation of "DOOL" characters were up to.  

Once I had babies, I no longer had time to indulge.  My lunch hour was spent breast feeding and I was so tired at night I didn't want to watch an endless saga of adultery, divorce, love affairs, jealousy, double-dealing and the like.  

I eventually turned to evening soaps:  Dallas, Knots Landing, 90210.  My favorite episodic soap of all time was The West Wing.   Nowadays I watch The Good Wife, Scandal, Nashville, Suits and the always mysterious Mad Men.  I DVR everything so I may fast forward through commercials.   My husband and grown sons think it's all crap.  But I know better.  It's a mindless flight of fantasy and I have 41 minutes to lose myself in someone else's life.

Some people shop.  Some people drink.  Some people knit.  Some people exercise.  I watch soaps.

It's therapy.

Inner Child

Sunset Northern NH

Today's appointment with the therapist was, ostensibly, to discuss our new living arrangements with MIL.  It began, however, as a rant of frustration with my younger son who'd agreed to attend the therapy session then bailed last minute because he was out late partying.

My therapist is a wise man.  The anger I was feeling towards my younger son came blurting out first and next thing I know, I'm asked to examine the feelings behind the anger:  disappointment in my son, insecurity about my parenting skills.  He then proceeded to have me break down the insecurity as it related to being a child.  What's the earliest incident of insecurity I remember?  I immediately focused on my discomfort in Jr. High, as a nerdy, unattractive girl with few social skills outside my own small circle.  From there I remembered an incident in the 4th or 5th grade where the cliquey group of kids to whom I did not belong, they called themselves "The Royal Family", persuaded me to join them in pelting my best friend with orange peels during a lunch time fracas in the girls bathroom.  My best friend!  It bothered me forty years til we re-connected and I wrote to her about it, apologizing.

I was asked about my home situation at that time, how did my parents get along?  I replied that my father would pick fights with my mother when he was tired or in a bad mood.  He'd browbeat her and she'd protest but take it, rarely fighting back.  There were no obscenities or physical abuse, just anger directed at Mother.  I hated it and wanted her to leave him.  

The therapist asked me to be the nine year old, to get in touch with the feelings I had then.  Hard to do.  Eventually he pointed out how being a young child in an unstable family situation would imprint insecurity and teach me to retreat from standing up for myself, etc because that was my role model. This leads to anger and lashing out, etc.  I protested saying I'd found my voice as an individual when a teenager and probably went too much the other way...standing up for myself to the nth degree, getting in people's faces (including my fathers') when I felt I'd been wronged.  He showed me how I carried this insecurity and anger to the present day, suppressing my fear/anger/insecurities with the real situation and later lashing out at a loved one.  It's a learned pattern.

I am now asked to "be with that little 9 year old girl" whenever these feelings arise.  I am to provide a safe place for her to come and be protected.  I am to learn to help her.  It's a tall, weird order but I think I can do this.  I'm just amazed at how much I still have to learn about myself, others and life.

Incredible series on this subject on PBStv right now.  Check local listings for:

This Emotional Life explores ways to improve social relationships, learn to cope with depression and anxiety and become  more positive, resilient individuals.
Part 1: Family, Friends and Lovers demonstrates that relationships are not only important, they are central to our emotional well-being.  Part 2: Facing Our Fears examines negative emotions such as anger, fear, anxiety and despair and how they play a part in the balance of life. Part 3: Rethinking Happiness offers research supporting the theory  that many people look for happiness in the wrong places.

Friday Nights, Part 2

In May 2008, I wrote a post about Friday night get-togethers with my girlfriends, a weekly occurrence taking place during my twenties. It is a special memory because of the camaraderie and support these Friday nights engendered. These were therapeutic social gatherings arranged around wine, women & food. We listened to each other's stories, gave opinions, advice, counsel and were generally able to solve much with a great deal of laughter and gravitas combined. It was heaven.

One of the questions I ask in the post is "Why don't I re-establish Friday nights?" I would love to but am not so sure it would fly...at least where I now live. I question how forthcoming most of us are in our middle years. I know many of you are very forthcoming and yet... In those days, everyone blabbed about everything going on in their lives: sex, partners, job issues, family issues, sex. Not so sure that kind of honesty would be as easy now. We have so many to whom we feel obligated to protect.

For many of us, blogging is our Friday night opportunity to tell stories, give opinions and help one another. And it is not limited to women only. I want male readers to weigh in with their perspective. I find blogging an amazing way to reach out. It's cathartic. I'm searching for a way to make it even more interactive and instructive.

All ideas are welcome.