Gone But Not Forgotten

A few weeks ago, I received an email from the daughter of a man I once dated.  The news was not good.  He had died unexpectedly in December.  She was in New York, going through his email contacts and found my name.  She wanted me to know there was to be a memorial service at the NYU Alumni Club in the Princeton Club in Manhattan.  

I was shocked by his death as he and I reconnected a few years ago when another broadcast person from San Diego, where I'd worked, had died.   He was completely surprised and happy to hear from me and we'd been emailing ever since.  

This man was a leader in the radio industry in which I worked for 28 years.   I met him early in my career when I was a buyer for a nationally known photofinishing company.  I was a client for several years as I was in charge of radio and newspaper advertising in markets across the U.S.  

He courted me after I was divorced and we had a relationship which, when I look back, was one that filled a void on both sides.  It never took off but we remained good friends for many years.  We lost touch until I saw his email address and contacted him two years ago.  He was in good health, happy, retired and completely absorbed by his grandchildren.  A different man than the work-obsessed person I first knew.  In those days, he was divorced, his children far away and his life dedicated to his job and probably climbing the ladder to reach the pinnacle, president of the company.  That always bothered me. 

In the few weeks since his passing, I learned he became a man dedicated to his children and grandchildren.  Once he retired, he was free to resume his relationship with them.  I heard from his daughter twice;  I was also contacted by another close friend of his, someone I did not know who worked for him.  She filled me in on her positive experience with him as her boss and mentor. 

His death represents the passage of an era that has been long gone but one I recall with great fondness.  The broadcast/advertising industry was so much fun.  I was lucky enough to be part of it during the last great years; to experience the incredible growth and diversity of radio stations before the corporations took over reducing radio to the "one size fits all" formats you hear today. 

We had fun.  The work was challenging and rewarding.  We enjoyed expense accounts, lavish parties, trips, weekend retreats, in depth ongoing training.  People were free to be creative, try new things.  Most of us loved our jobs.  I remember driving to work most mornings and thanking God for my life.

The imprint a person leaves on another can be life changing.  He was the only person with whom I was
involved I stayed in touch with.  That says something about us both.  

 

Dating the 7 Dwarfs (a real conversation)

Received a couple of emails from a good friend yesterday.  She was complaining about her latest boyfriend.

"Had to have another come to Jesus talk with the new guy.  Clingy/Needy/Mopey isn’t going to work with 80 miles between us and my work schedule. "

"Sounds like you're dating 3 of the 7 dwarfs." was my reply.

Her response, "Better than the other 4 dwarves I've dated, Drunken, Stupid, Vacant and Angry."

Inner Child

Sunset Northern NH

Today's appointment with the therapist was, ostensibly, to discuss our new living arrangements with MIL.  It began, however, as a rant of frustration with my younger son who'd agreed to attend the therapy session then bailed last minute because he was out late partying.

My therapist is a wise man.  The anger I was feeling towards my younger son came blurting out first and next thing I know, I'm asked to examine the feelings behind the anger:  disappointment in my son, insecurity about my parenting skills.  He then proceeded to have me break down the insecurity as it related to being a child.  What's the earliest incident of insecurity I remember?  I immediately focused on my discomfort in Jr. High, as a nerdy, unattractive girl with few social skills outside my own small circle.  From there I remembered an incident in the 4th or 5th grade where the cliquey group of kids to whom I did not belong, they called themselves "The Royal Family", persuaded me to join them in pelting my best friend with orange peels during a lunch time fracas in the girls bathroom.  My best friend!  It bothered me forty years til we re-connected and I wrote to her about it, apologizing.

I was asked about my home situation at that time, how did my parents get along?  I replied that my father would pick fights with my mother when he was tired or in a bad mood.  He'd browbeat her and she'd protest but take it, rarely fighting back.  There were no obscenities or physical abuse, just anger directed at Mother.  I hated it and wanted her to leave him.  

The therapist asked me to be the nine year old, to get in touch with the feelings I had then.  Hard to do.  Eventually he pointed out how being a young child in an unstable family situation would imprint insecurity and teach me to retreat from standing up for myself, etc because that was my role model. This leads to anger and lashing out, etc.  I protested saying I'd found my voice as an individual when a teenager and probably went too much the other way...standing up for myself to the nth degree, getting in people's faces (including my fathers') when I felt I'd been wronged.  He showed me how I carried this insecurity and anger to the present day, suppressing my fear/anger/insecurities with the real situation and later lashing out at a loved one.  It's a learned pattern.

I am now asked to "be with that little 9 year old girl" whenever these feelings arise.  I am to provide a safe place for her to come and be protected.  I am to learn to help her.  It's a tall, weird order but I think I can do this.  I'm just amazed at how much I still have to learn about myself, others and life.

Incredible series on this subject on PBStv right now.  Check local listings for:

This Emotional Life explores ways to improve social relationships, learn to cope with depression and anxiety and become  more positive, resilient individuals.
Part 1: Family, Friends and Lovers demonstrates that relationships are not only important, they are central to our emotional well-being.  Part 2: Facing Our Fears examines negative emotions such as anger, fear, anxiety and despair and how they play a part in the balance of life. Part 3: Rethinking Happiness offers research supporting the theory  that many people look for happiness in the wrong places.

How To Choose?

I had an incredibly vivid dream last night about an old boyfriend with whom I was once in love. We are reunited, somehow. We are older and married to other people. I am married to my real husband.

Our attraction to one another is overwhelming. We discuss leaving our spouses to be together again for the rest of our lives. He makes his decision and asks me to make mine and this is the crux of the dream. In the dream, I am as crazy in love with him as I was when we were together and I want to go. But I have my husband with whom I have lived and known all these years and he knows about the decision and he will not ask me to stay nor give me an easy out. I have to decide.

I have to decide between a lifetime relationship of ups and downs, ins and outs, happiness, sadness, frustration, beautiful events and a new life with an old love which is, really, just a memory of good things I recall. That is what memory does. It fades til there are only the good things left. But I believe if I go, I will be blissfully happy. I believe if I stay, it is truly the right thing to do.

What did I do? What would you do?

Through Their Eyes

We have just spent an incredible week with a pair of friends we've known since high school. They flew from the warmth of Southern Cal to the frigid cold of New Hampshire to visit. Actually, they lucked out. The weather, hitherto in the single digits, had hit the high twenties/low thirties by the time they arrived and stayed that way their entire visit. My friend from high school is an avid skiier, as is my husband. I no longer ski because I need a knee replacement and his wife doesn't either. Soooo, the menfolk went skiing almost every day and we shopped, read our books, went out to eat, etc. Every night we'd have bottles of nice wine and laugh and feel like we did when we were sixteen, except for our aches and pains. The wine did much to kill the aches and pains however. The most interesting part of their trip came when we'd take a drive and listen to their comments about our part of the world. They loved the cozy quaint towns, the "charming" architecture, the unspoiled beauty of the White Mountains, the lovely old churches, the cool shoppes, etc. My husband and I saw our own world through our friends and it was a, pardon the pun, eye-opener.

We all take for granted the things we have and the beauty we see when we see it every day. I remember when I was young, single and living in San Diego near Mission Bay, I would drive to work each morning along the water and think "I am the luckiest person in the world!" I remember thinking that when I lived in Richmond, Va. and would travel to D.C. on business and pass all the great monuments, federal buildings, memorials, etc. I remember thinking that when my children were small. I remember thinking that when I moved here. I remember telling myself I would never take it for granted. But I do.

I woke up this morning and the sun was shining on the snow and the temperature, though frigid, seemed less daunting and I felt energy I hadn't felt in a long while. I think the visit my friends paid us did that for me. And, boy, am I grateful.

Happy New Year from Uncle Jay or Where We Were in 2008

High School Reunion: Prelude

I can't believe it but I'm going home for a 40th high school reunion. It sounds so old it's frightening. I had been looking forward to it for a while. Many of my friends wanted to go and, as I planned to go home anyway, I thought it would be great. As the date grows ever near, however, many of my friends are changing their minds. Now I find myself going with my one girlfriend from elementary school, who is also flying to the left coast from the right. We're spending $110 for the event, $140 for the room (I know, cheap for a Marriot...but STILL) and who knows what for a flattering dress and foundation garment that will suck in all the places that need to be girdled. That's alot of places.

My husband is encouraging. "Go!" he says. "You always have a good time."

I hope so. It hardly seems worth it. I mean, the people I thought I'd be hanging out with aren't going, except for a handful. And the memory of the last one I attended, the 25th, is that I had to squint at every name tag to figure out who the hell I was talking to. It seemed rude but also embarrasssing.

Well, I will notate my trip and it should be memorable. I have 10 days of visitng friends and family in California before the fated affair. We shall see.

One thing I should note, now that only a few of my closest friends are going, I no longer feel that terrible need to wear a dynamite dress, create an un-wiltable hair style, and wear makeup that won't melt. I am wearing false eyelashes. Love 'em and they are back in vogue. Other than that, eh!

Towanda

Last night, while having dinner with close friends and after too much to drink, I made the remark to my girlfriend that I was "older, smarter and had more on my hips." Of course, I was intentionally misquoting Evelyn Couch in "Fried Green Tomatoes". My friend is a good deal younger than I and she was worrying about the swelling in the fingers of her painting hand. She's an artist. I was telling her to go see a doc instead of self-diagnosing. She wasn't listening and that's when I made the remark.

When I think on that scene in the movie, the "Towanda" scene, I think of women empowering themselves and what a struggle it has been. I think of what it took for my mother to pay off her second husband's debts after he'd cheated on her then ran his restaurant business into the ground. I think of my grandmother and her four husbands, three of whom she supported. I think of my best friend's mother, a nurse, who went back to college, while we were in high school, to get her masters degree, then on to a doctorate while still in her forties, raising four kids in the process. I think of Hillary Clinton running for President. What an amazing possibility that was. She could have made it. I really wanted to see her win; to see a woman with the ultimate power.

My girlfriend did not pick up on the quote. She's younger and faster for sure. And she's an empowered woman. She's raising four children, helping her husband run their business and promoting her art work through shows, mailings and a web site. She is the product of a strong matriarch. Her mother had six daughters. She raised them practically single-handed while starting and building a restaurant business. All the daughters are hard-working and successful.

What do we all have in common? A strong mother figure, a mentor, someone to set the example. We share, we trade secrets, we provide for the next generation. For those who don't know how, we need to teach, shelter and mentor.

Best of Both Worlds or Too Much of a Good Thing?

I have a very close friend who has a sister with two lovers...and she lives with them both...at the same time. They've been successfully thus involved for several years now. When first told about the relationship, I was shocked (Baptist upbringing) but also intrigued (60's sensibilities). I did not want to be judgmental, tho' I initially was, and I couldn't help but think, "Wow. Best of both worlds." I mean, she's livin' the dream, right? Well, possibly.

I suppose if this were a Danielle Steele novel, it would be great fodder for the storyline: gorgeous, ambitious woman in her mid-forties has a successful business with one lover running a high end fishing camp on a remote Canadian island, summers only, returning to civilization with Lover #1 to live with Lover #2 in a wealthy suburb in Arizona. According to my girlfriend, her sister sleeps with which ever one she wants, when she wants. She calls the shots. As for menage a trois, I don't ask and she doesn't offer.

I like men...up to a point. I absolutely love my husband and I've loved a few others in my youth. Not sure what the prospect of two at once would do to me. I mean, it's been a challenge living with one Alpha Male and raising two alphas-in-waiting. I think men have their place...lifting heavy objects and taking out the garbage. Scratching, roaring, having sex and feeding seem to be the other traits in which they strive to excel.

Could I do what she's doing? Maybe in my dreams. You know, George Clooney one night, Richard Gere the next. Yeah, I could handle that...for a while. But, I like my solitude and I like peace and quiet. And I like things simple. So, while I admire her iconoclasm, I'll have to admire it from my quiet, predictable and boring perch.

But, it does sound fun.