Why We Can't Afford Our Children

I cut and pasted this USAA graph after guessing the answer incorrectly. Of course, it only feels like the cost of child raising has doubled since my sons were born in the late 1980s. The projected amount to put them through college at the time of their births was $100,000 for a Bachelors' degree.

So, who has this kind of money anyway?  Oh.  Right.  The 1% to whom Congress and the candidates pander.

Question 1 Results How much has the cost of raising a child increased over the past 10 years? 20% 11.7% 40% 46.3% 60% 42.0%

Raising a kid from birth to age 18 increased by 40% over the past decade, and topped a whopping $226,920 last year, according to the U.S. Department of Agriculture. And that's NOT including what you'll need to save to pay for a college education. In 2011-12, public, four-year colleges charged an average of $8,244 per year in tuition and fees for in-state students, and $12,526 per year for out-of-state students, according to the College Board. Meanwhile, private nonprofit four-year colleges charged an average of $28,500 per year in tuition and fees. So how are parents supposed to cope? Luckily, the College Board reports that a full-time undergraduate student, over 2010-2011 received an average of $12,455 in financial aid, including more than $6,500 in grants that don't have to be repaid.

Fathers and Sons

Alpha Dog  & His Pack
2007 or '08

My husband thinks this is a terribly corny name for a photo.  He is the "Alpha dog" to our lovable dogs, Dewey (pictured) and Zoe.  He is also dad to his two sons, also pictured.  Of the three, the dog is the most obedient. 

Happy Fathers' Day all.

 

Practice Babies

When I became a first time mother at the tender age of 35, I didn't know beans about how to care for a kid. I'd never baby sat or worked with little children, nor did I have younger siblings to raise.  My three years younger brother was too close in age and my mother would never have left me with him.  All we did was fight.

I had no idea what to do with my new baby. I was thrilled but clueless. Dr. Spock became my go-to guru after I wore out my welcome with day and night phone calls to the nurses at the hospital where I'd delivered. Hell, they had to put my son on my breast and teach me how to get him to latch on. That was  painful.

And I thought motherhood came naturally.                   

It doesn't.

Imagine my surprise when I learned that, once upon a time, there were "practice babies" borrowed by colleges for their domestic classes for young women. The babies were routinely borrowed from orphanages and given to a small group of young women, housed in a practice setting, to help them prepare for parenthood. This was commonly done between 1919-1969. I took an early "Women's Studies" class in 1973 and I'm shocked we weren't told of this practice. Oh the ridicule it would have received.

My local NPR station aired a podcast about this today and if you want to know more, take a listen. It's only 8 minutes and is fascinating.

I can honestly say, in retrospect, I wish they'd had these classes when I was in college.  It would have saved me a great deal of grief. 

Trouble is, I would have been too smug and/or stupid to take one.

Rites of Passage

Stairs Leading Upwards by Adam Hickmott

An article in  NY Times Magazine asks the question my husband I ponder daily, "What is UP with these kids?"

Last night, at the tranquil lake house we've rented for the week, my younger son talked me into letting four of his friends sleep over.

"Mom, they've been drinking all day and we have a large tent and they'll sleep on the lawn."  It was 7pm.

The lawn is at the rear of the house, dropping down to the lake.  There's a fire pit and plenty of room to pitch a tent.  I thought for a moment how much I didn't want them there but knew I had to give in because they had, indeed, been swilling beer all day long.  No responsible parent would send them on their way despite their just-barely-over 21 year old status.

I had been reluctant to allow them down to the lake house for just this reason.  I envisioned them drinking all day while hanging in the sun, waterskiing and wakeboarding behind our boat, getting too trashed to leave.  I told my sons we were not making dinner and they'd have to make their own.  They offered to go to the store, buy the food, come back and grill for everyone.  So I relented.

They left @ 7:30pm.  By 9:15pm they still weren't back and nobody was answering their cell.  My husband was convinced they'd been busted or run into a tree.  I was more optimistic thinking they had probably gone to smoke a joint and were dazedly trying to grocery shop.

We left the house & went to a pizza place & had our dinner.   They called twice.  Once to ask where we had gone and why (duh) and a second time, during our meal, to ask if we'd "pick up some ice on the way back."

What for?" my husband asked.

"We need it for our gin & tonics."

Wrong answer.  Finding a place to buy gin was, as it turned out, is what took them so long.  They didn't know where to buy hard liquor in the state of Maine.  New England states have different liquor laws.  NH has state run stores.  Maine doesn't.

Needless to say we did not pick up any ice; which brings me back to commentary in the Times article.

It’s happening all over, in all sorts of families, not just young people moving back home but also young people taking longer to reach adulthood overall. It’s a development that predates the current economic doldrums, and no one knows yet what the impact will be — on the prospects of the young men and women; on the parents on whom so many of them depend; on society, built on the expectation of an orderly progression in which kids finish school, grow up, start careers, make a family and eventually retire to live on pensions supported by the next crop of kids who finish school, grow up, start careers, make a family and on and on. The traditional cycle seems to have gone off course, as young people remain un­tethered to romantic partners or to permanent homes, going back to school for lack of better options, traveling, avoiding commitments, competing ferociously for unpaid internships or temporary (and often grueling) Teach for America jobs, forestalling the beginning of adult life.

In tribal societies, maturity, adulthood, whatever they call it, occurs in the teens; often at the age of fourteen.   Rites of passage in any society are ritualistic or symbolic events that mark changing from one status to another.  According to sociologists, there are five milestones that define transition to adulthood: 

1. Completing school
2. Leaving home
3. Financial independence
4. Marriage
5. Children

This well-written article asks about the mixed message of extending adolescent privileges to young adults in their twenties. 

People can vote at 18, but in some states they don’t age out of foster care until 21. They can join the military at 18, but they can’t drink until 21. They can drive at 16, but they can’t rent a car until 25 without some hefty surcharges. If they are full-time students, the Internal Revenue Service considers them dependents until 24; those without health insurance will soon be able to stay on their parents’ plans even if they’re not in school until age 26, or up to 30 in some states. Parents have no access to their child’s college records if the child is over 18, but parents’ income is taken into account when the child applies for financial aid up to age 24. We seem unable to agree when someone is old enough to take on adult responsibilities. But we’re pretty sure it’s not simply a matter of age.

Interestingly, the article pinpoints the "adolescent" stage as a recent phenomenon dating to 1904 with "the publication of the massive study 'Adolescence' by G. Stanley Hall, prominent psychologist and first president of the American Psychological Association." 

Child-labor laws kept children under 16 out of the work force, and universal education laws kept them in secondary school, thus prolonging the period of dependence — a dependence that allowed them to address psychological tasks they might have ignored when they took on adult roles straight out of childhood.

Inotherwords, children did not experience adolescence until they were free of the child labor imposed upon them.  They finally had an opportunity to "transition" from childhood to adulthood.

He (Hall) cited the “curve of despondency” that “starts at 11, rises steadily and rapidly till 15 . . . then falls steadily till 23,” and described other characteristics of adolescence, including an increase in sensation seeking, greater susceptibility to media influences (which in 1904 mostly meant “flash literature” and “penny dreadfuls”) and overreliance on peer relationships.

 And so went the popular thinking for many decades to come.

In 1991, the National Institute for Mental Health began studying some 5,000 children ages 3 to 16.  They found children's brains were not fully developed until 25.  Thus, their growth, or emergence into adulthood might be considered a physiological result aided by their parents, society and cultural expectations.  The article refers back to the forty year old articles by Yale psychologist Kenneth Keniston who wrote:

"a growing minority of post-adolescents [who] have not settled the questions whose answers once defined adulthood: questions of relationship to the existing society, questions of vocation, questions of social role and lifestyle.” Whereas once, such aimlessness was seen only in the “unusually creative or unusually disturbed,” he wrote, it was becoming more common and more ordinary in the baby boomers of 1970. Among the salient characteristics of “youth,” Keniston wrote, were “pervasive ambivalence toward self and society,” “the feeling of absolute freedom, of living in a world of pure possibilities” and “the enormous value placed upon change, transformation and movement”

These themes have been picked up by Jeffrey Arnett, psychology professor at Clark University, Worcester, MA, coincidentally the same college of which G. Stanley Hall was the first president.  In 2000, Arnett declared the "youth" stage of Keniston to be a new stage in life which he labels emerging adulthood.  The themes are similar to previous studies and Arnett has spent ten years making his case which, apparently boils down to "the age thirty deadline":

...the age when options tend to close off and lifelong commitments must be made.

So, back to the twenty somethings in my yard...does this explain my frustration with their behaviour and my ongoing wish they would all "get a life"?  Yes and no.  I'm sympathetic but I no longer want to provide the life they seek.  I want them to find their way and they must do it on their own. 

As my parents liked to say, "We have given you the tools.  It's time for you to make use of them."

Happy Birthday to My Youngest

"My Name is Bond, James Bond."

The morning of the birth of my second child, the only thing I felt, as I was wheeled in to the birthing room, was a fear I can only describe as "primal". It had nothing to do with the childbirth process. It was an unreasonable, unsettling dread I couldn't shake: that something, somehow was going to be terribly wrong. My husband felt it as well but we didn't know why. All indications were this would be a healthy baby...and he was. 

Prom Night
Posing With Mom

That was 22 years ago today. My son has grown into a young man of great kindness and consideration with a generous heart. At 6'2" he is a presence. People respond to him positively. He has a winning personality and is eager to please. In some ways he is naive for his age but we raised him in a rural, mountainous region. His exposure to city ways has been limited to a couple of semesters in college and the tourists we get. But that is okay too for he has a charm more winning than his slightly more sophisticated friends.

The apprehension we felt the morning of his birth stayed with us many years. We were fearful, oh so fearful, something would happen to him. We hid that fear but I've always wondered if he picked up on it anyway. He once said, at a fairly young age, "I don't think I'm going to live too long." You can imagine how I responded to that statement! Both boys were hellions during their teenaged years but this one always got caught. Middle of the night phone calls bring a dread every parent knows. I would sit bolt upright with each one or lie in bed awake until he came home. My insomnia was such I finally had to sleep in another bedroom where I couldn't hear the car arrive in the middle of the night.

Turning 21

His twenty first birthday was a turning point for me.  He had gone to college for a few semesters, lived in Utah and was now living in a house he shared with friends.  His behaviour no longer was "in my face" so to speak.  I wasn't confronted with it and, as a consequence, wasn't reacting.  It was what many parents wait for:  a reprieve. Living with us now, he's working two jobs, seven days a week, saving money to move to Tampa. I'm so proud.  I am grateful for his presence and the opportunity to mother him just a little longer. I make his favorite meals when he can have dinner with us and I now hope the day he leaves takes its time because I know how much I will miss him.

Workin' Up A Sweat on the Florida Gulf Coast 2009

I still listen for his car at night. I still react with concern to my phone ringing after 10pm. I no longer have the dread.  It's just a parental hangover.  He's still my baby and I will never, ever stop wondering how he is.

Sunset, Holmes Beach 2009

Happy Birthday Beautiful Boy!

Happy Mother's Day

 Last year on Anna Maria Island.  This was the best vacation we've had as a family.  I treasure the time together as the mother of two wonderful boys and a husband whom I've known since I was 16 years old.

Inner Child

Sunset Northern NH

Today's appointment with the therapist was, ostensibly, to discuss our new living arrangements with MIL.  It began, however, as a rant of frustration with my younger son who'd agreed to attend the therapy session then bailed last minute because he was out late partying.

My therapist is a wise man.  The anger I was feeling towards my younger son came blurting out first and next thing I know, I'm asked to examine the feelings behind the anger:  disappointment in my son, insecurity about my parenting skills.  He then proceeded to have me break down the insecurity as it related to being a child.  What's the earliest incident of insecurity I remember?  I immediately focused on my discomfort in Jr. High, as a nerdy, unattractive girl with few social skills outside my own small circle.  From there I remembered an incident in the 4th or 5th grade where the cliquey group of kids to whom I did not belong, they called themselves "The Royal Family", persuaded me to join them in pelting my best friend with orange peels during a lunch time fracas in the girls bathroom.  My best friend!  It bothered me forty years til we re-connected and I wrote to her about it, apologizing.

I was asked about my home situation at that time, how did my parents get along?  I replied that my father would pick fights with my mother when he was tired or in a bad mood.  He'd browbeat her and she'd protest but take it, rarely fighting back.  There were no obscenities or physical abuse, just anger directed at Mother.  I hated it and wanted her to leave him.  

The therapist asked me to be the nine year old, to get in touch with the feelings I had then.  Hard to do.  Eventually he pointed out how being a young child in an unstable family situation would imprint insecurity and teach me to retreat from standing up for myself, etc because that was my role model. This leads to anger and lashing out, etc.  I protested saying I'd found my voice as an individual when a teenager and probably went too much the other way...standing up for myself to the nth degree, getting in people's faces (including my fathers') when I felt I'd been wronged.  He showed me how I carried this insecurity and anger to the present day, suppressing my fear/anger/insecurities with the real situation and later lashing out at a loved one.  It's a learned pattern.

I am now asked to "be with that little 9 year old girl" whenever these feelings arise.  I am to provide a safe place for her to come and be protected.  I am to learn to help her.  It's a tall, weird order but I think I can do this.  I'm just amazed at how much I still have to learn about myself, others and life.

Incredible series on this subject on PBStv right now.  Check local listings for:

This Emotional Life explores ways to improve social relationships, learn to cope with depression and anxiety and become  more positive, resilient individuals.
Part 1: Family, Friends and Lovers demonstrates that relationships are not only important, they are central to our emotional well-being.  Part 2: Facing Our Fears examines negative emotions such as anger, fear, anxiety and despair and how they play a part in the balance of life. Part 3: Rethinking Happiness offers research supporting the theory  that many people look for happiness in the wrong places.

Brave New World or Same Old Same Old?

I'm underwhelmed by the choice of Sarah Palin for running mate to John McCain. She represents pretty much everything I detest: the NRA, anti-abortion for any reason (including rape & incest), drilling in Alaska...and Rush Limbaugh's been talking her up since Feb. 08, according to slate.com.

I'm not all that impressed that she's a working mother of five either. I no longer believe a working mother can really have it all. Something has to give. As the mother of two sons who had to work for most of their growing up, it wasn't easy, it wasn't fun and I had many days of doubt. I retreated from a management position and subsequent offer because it was too time-consuming. I was working way too many hours spending more and more time at the office and less and less with my children. They were being raised by a series of nannies and that, in itself, became a problem. My biggest saving grace was being in sales. I could go home during the day if I wanted to check on them. Most women can't do that. I remember wishing we could start a daycare in our office building. I pushed for job sharing in its infancy. I finally convinced my boss, a bachelor, to let me work part time instead of full time so I could be home with the boys in the afternoons. My sales didn't suffer. In fact, my productivity increased because I was so happy. That ended when his replacement, a woman, wanted me to break up my sales accounts because I "couldn't possibly carry a full list and do it justice." I quit.

At that point, I was lucky enough to stop working for four crucial years. They were 6 & 7 and they needed Mom around to help them with school projects, sports and homework. It was a wonderful time for the family and especially for me.

I understand Gov. Palin has a stay at home husband, to some extent, and he can parent them in her absence. That is a good thing for her children. I'm not a proponent of child bearing to the extent where we do more than duplicate ourselves. The planet is truly overflowing. Many of the problems we face are because there are just so many people competing for the same things and using all our natural resources.

This probably sounds like backward thinking from a woman who believes in the liberation of women. I may be way off base making these statements. Most women do what they can to provide for their families and make their way through the work place. I believe women are equal in the work place and certainly capable of achieving greatness in all things. But I also know we are the nurturers, the caregivers, the housekeepers, the cooks, the laundresses, the nose-wipers and the comforters. Somebody has to be there. Yes kids learn by example but they also need guidance to get the wisdom required to recognize the example. Should it always be the woman who gives in? Of course not. But somebody needs to parent the kids.

I don't really see the Republican party or their nominees as the answer to our diverging class system, our economic problems, our ability to protect and provide for our children. If they were the answer, we wouldn't be in the mess we are today, seven & one half years after the Democrats left office. We should be focused on feeding our chidren, helping the poor, solving our energy crises and providing reliable health care. We should get out of Iraq, bring our soldiers home and concentrate on our citizens, our needs, our challenges.