Valentines & Other Things

I came home from work Friday night to find a vase of red roses, a bottle of Coppola Pinot Noir, a funny card about marriage, a box of chocolates worthy of Forrest Gump & his mamma.

                                    

As if this were not enough, the biggest surprise of all...water color paints, brushes, cold pressed paper & a book on watercolor technique.

You could have knocked me down.

I haven't seriously painted since college.

I haven't tried since ten years ago when I bought myself watercolor supplies, several books and began sketching again.  I never followed through with any of it.

After profusely thanking him, I asked what made him pick up the art supplies.  His answer,  "You've always regretted not continuing with your art in college and I 'it's never too late' and went to the Art Store & talked with the owner about the proper supplies to get you started."

He paused and looked at me expectantly.

"Are you going to try?"

Well, yes.  Yes I am.

Hope your Valentine's Day was as nice as mine.  

And Now for a Moment of Reflection in this Age of Insanity

"North Ledge Blue" copyright Cole Scott Photography

This image was shot by my husband at least 6 years ago in the front yard of our home on the hill.  It's the home in which we raised our boys and have so many happy memories.  We sold it 5 years ago and moved in with the MIL, temporarily, only to discover she was no longer capable or solvent enough to take care of the 2 acres and old farmhouse in which she lives.  She just turned 88 and we're still in the farm house.  It's one of those ongoing fixer uppers.  My husband does a great job all around.  

Today is our fortieth anniversary with 3 years off for good behaviour when wwe decided to divorce!

Forty years ago a young bride of 23.  My how time flies.

Happy Birthday Honey!

My husband, photographer Cole Scott, celebrated his birthday yesterday with a new image and a quote from Chekhov.   Surprisingly, these are not stones below the water but ice flow in a pond.  

Risk vs Reward of Having Children

Perhaps this wouldn't be the case...

According to a recent Pew Research Center Survey. . . fewer people, across all age groups, consider children to be an important part of a successful marriage.

Only two decades ago the majority of Americans considered children vital to a good marriage. Today, kids fall near the bottom of the list — behind shared household chores, adequate income and housing and a happy sexual relationship.   GMA American Family

If this weren't the case:

USDA links.  "Expenditures on Children by Families"  and "Trends in Public Higher Education, Pricing...

Elizabeth Edwards 1949-2010

 Wedding Day 1977

 

Young Couple in Love

 

 Happier Times

 Cancer

 

In Memoriam

That, My Friends, Is Love

My husband and I are attending a wedding today.  It's being held outdoors as is the reception.  Since it's the bride's third marriage, it's not a formal affair but one does need something nice to wear.


Last Wednesday, returning from our trip to the coast of Maine, we stopped at a mall so I could look for a nice summer dress.  We went to The Loft, the Ann Taylor store of less expensive frocks.  My husband has great taste and he began to pick out dresses and tops he liked. I was hoping to wear a size 10 as I've been on this workout/nutrition plan since March and, per my post of  May 7th, I had lost 8 inches & 3 lbs.  Well, the 10s were still out of reach but I thought the size 12, which I've been wearing, would work.

Anyone who has ever shopped Ann Taylor knows they run small.  I say this not because I'm trying to lose weight but as a former devotee of all things Ann.  The clothes run small whether you're a 6 or a 12. I have been both.  Suffice to say, the two dresses he and I liked most did not fit my hips in a size 12.  He wanted me to go up a size.  I refused.  My sales girl, a young, sweet and quite helpful soul, thought I looked good in the 12. And I did.  But it was literally squeezed over me after she'd helped me into a body slimming piece of underwear.  Wearing dresses tight and accentuating curves is the style right now and I have curves galore.  Luckily my bosom balances out my ass.   But from the standpoint of comfort, the dress was killing me. 

An older (my age), wiser sales lady took over from mine when she went on a break.  At this point, I was sweating profusely and had to sit down in the dressing room to keep from fainting.  I think I was having an anxiety attack.  Nothing fit and I felt terrible about myself.  I mean, what was the point?  I looked in the mirror and I saw flab and fat; not the newly redesigned body I've been molding.  She sensed my despair as did my husband who took off for the sales floor to pick up a beautiful blouse for me to try.  He brought it back to me and it looked pretty.

He said, ""Wear this with a pair of black slacks and a long strand of pearls.  It'll look great."

I was mollified enough to agree and we walked towards the sales counter.  En route, he picked up a gorgeous piece of costume jewelry to compliment the top.  I agreed with him and we were suddenly enveloped by several older, well dressed, very kind sales "ladies" who wrapped and untangled and soothed me.  I walked out with my purchases, holding hands with my husband, thanking him for his kindness.

Later that day, while unpacking at home, I thanked him again for helping me out.  He turned to me and said,

"After all you went through in there, I wanted you to walk out with something.  I wanted you to feel it was worth it.  I wanted you to feel good."

You know what?  I did and I do!  Isn't he the guy?  This is what love is really about.

Artwork by Laura Trevey.

Inner Child

Sunset Northern NH

Today's appointment with the therapist was, ostensibly, to discuss our new living arrangements with MIL.  It began, however, as a rant of frustration with my younger son who'd agreed to attend the therapy session then bailed last minute because he was out late partying.

My therapist is a wise man.  The anger I was feeling towards my younger son came blurting out first and next thing I know, I'm asked to examine the feelings behind the anger:  disappointment in my son, insecurity about my parenting skills.  He then proceeded to have me break down the insecurity as it related to being a child.  What's the earliest incident of insecurity I remember?  I immediately focused on my discomfort in Jr. High, as a nerdy, unattractive girl with few social skills outside my own small circle.  From there I remembered an incident in the 4th or 5th grade where the cliquey group of kids to whom I did not belong, they called themselves "The Royal Family", persuaded me to join them in pelting my best friend with orange peels during a lunch time fracas in the girls bathroom.  My best friend!  It bothered me forty years til we re-connected and I wrote to her about it, apologizing.

I was asked about my home situation at that time, how did my parents get along?  I replied that my father would pick fights with my mother when he was tired or in a bad mood.  He'd browbeat her and she'd protest but take it, rarely fighting back.  There were no obscenities or physical abuse, just anger directed at Mother.  I hated it and wanted her to leave him.  

The therapist asked me to be the nine year old, to get in touch with the feelings I had then.  Hard to do.  Eventually he pointed out how being a young child in an unstable family situation would imprint insecurity and teach me to retreat from standing up for myself, etc because that was my role model. This leads to anger and lashing out, etc.  I protested saying I'd found my voice as an individual when a teenager and probably went too much the other way...standing up for myself to the nth degree, getting in people's faces (including my fathers') when I felt I'd been wronged.  He showed me how I carried this insecurity and anger to the present day, suppressing my fear/anger/insecurities with the real situation and later lashing out at a loved one.  It's a learned pattern.

I am now asked to "be with that little 9 year old girl" whenever these feelings arise.  I am to provide a safe place for her to come and be protected.  I am to learn to help her.  It's a tall, weird order but I think I can do this.  I'm just amazed at how much I still have to learn about myself, others and life.

Incredible series on this subject on PBStv right now.  Check local listings for:

This Emotional Life explores ways to improve social relationships, learn to cope with depression and anxiety and become  more positive, resilient individuals.
Part 1: Family, Friends and Lovers demonstrates that relationships are not only important, they are central to our emotional well-being.  Part 2: Facing Our Fears examines negative emotions such as anger, fear, anxiety and despair and how they play a part in the balance of life. Part 3: Rethinking Happiness offers research supporting the theory  that many people look for happiness in the wrong places.

Good Friends

Last March, my girlfriend & husband threw a party. The weather outside was frightful but about 60 people drove to her home in the Maine countryside to enjoy a lively and "informal Tex Mex" banquet. She comes from a restaurant family and is a very good cook. She prepared empanadas made with slow roasted pulled pork, refried beans, hot hot chili, corn bread, several kinds of salads, fresh fruit & cheese, enchiladas, guacamole, roasted asparagus, taquitos; it was grand. I prepared a double layered lemon cheesecake with lemon curd topping. Someone else made a Mexican chocolate & cinnamon cake with milk frosting. There was a slushy machine churning out margaritas. You could just walk up, pull the lever and "that frozen concoction" came pouring out.

These photos are from the party. Left is the party giver and artist, Joelle. In the middle is our Swiss friend, Ladina, an amazing skier and athlete. I'm on the right. We girls met when our sons were in third grade. Between the baseball, football, soccer and more, we found ourselves car pooling, cooking for team dinners, planning picnics and time for the families to share with one another. We incorporated our husbands which forever cemented our relationships. Over the past twelve years we have exercised, partied, cooked, played, cried, clung to one another and laughed our asses off over anything we can. In the photo above, we are discussing the benefits vs the defects of high heels while holding Joelle's 4" heels which she has now taken off because her feet hurt.

I'm now 57. Ladina is 51, I think. Joelle is 40. Our friendship is based on a mutual love of the same things and the enjoyment and respect we have for one another. Raising our kids has been easier because we share our frustrations and fear, give good advice when we're asked and sympathise with one another. Our parenting skills are in synch. One night, Joelle and I ferreted out the location of an illegal kid drinking party, drove there, walked in the front door, big as life, pointed to a group of sullen looking boys and said,

"You, You, You...GET IN THE CAR!"

Out came our three boys. I think they were freshmen in high school. Boy, were they embarrassed. My son said it took two years to live that down, heh heh.

Every time we share a meal, we touch glasses and say,

"Here's to us! Here's to good friends."

Marriage Vows

I watched a couple restate their vows in church this morning. They've been married 50 years. It was an incredibly touching moment and I acknowledge the unlikely longevity of marriage nowadays. What struck me most was how I feel about marriage in general. It's work. Alot of work. But it is not impossible nor is it inevitable nor is it incredible.

I have been married 34 years. It will be 35 in January. I thought about the highs and lows and the hard parts and the good times and the bad times and thought, "What the hell, if you want it bad enough, you can make it work out."

Does this mean I'm super human or special or unique? No. I'm just somebody who wanted to make it work out for a variety of reasons.

I cannot tell you how many times my husband and I wanted to separate; how many fights we had when we threatened to "leave". We were divorced three years. That was early on. We'd been married five years, suffered through a natural disaster, and didn't weather the storm. No kids, no money, no fault.

We remarried three years later...three years we referred to as a "hiatus". We've never regretted that. It was necessary and it was awesome.

I can only say that whether our reasons for staying together make sense or not, they work. The reasons are many:

the children
the years we spent together
the fear of living without one another
the shared experiences
the children

Are those good or bad? Doesn't matter.

I am old school. I think divorce is too convenient. We take the easy way out when things get uncomfortable. Marriage is like a business, a partnership. It's for many reasons, not all of them are about love. There is the inevitable business of raising the family. If you have children, you owe them. It is no longer about you. It is now about the children. Too many people forget that. We, as adults, should be forced to take a test to have children. It's just too easy to have kids and walk away. Children are the future. We owe them. We've already made our mistakes. It's time to give to our children. I believe that more than I believe anything.

If children are the future, we owe them our best, no matter we've left our best behind us long ago.

How To Choose?

I had an incredibly vivid dream last night about an old boyfriend with whom I was once in love. We are reunited, somehow. We are older and married to other people. I am married to my real husband.

Our attraction to one another is overwhelming. We discuss leaving our spouses to be together again for the rest of our lives. He makes his decision and asks me to make mine and this is the crux of the dream. In the dream, I am as crazy in love with him as I was when we were together and I want to go. But I have my husband with whom I have lived and known all these years and he knows about the decision and he will not ask me to stay nor give me an easy out. I have to decide.

I have to decide between a lifetime relationship of ups and downs, ins and outs, happiness, sadness, frustration, beautiful events and a new life with an old love which is, really, just a memory of good things I recall. That is what memory does. It fades til there are only the good things left. But I believe if I go, I will be blissfully happy. I believe if I stay, it is truly the right thing to do.

What did I do? What would you do?

More "Dick" from Jon Stewart

The vacation photos have been great but it's time to get back to current events. It's been a while since I included some Cheney bashing from The Daily Show. This excerpt aired Wednesday night. Cheney covers everything from sanctifying same sex marriage (no personal stake here) to disavowing knowledge received from former White House member of the Senior Executive Service and counter-terrorism expert,Richard Clarke. I still can't believe we tolerated EIGHT YEARS OF THIS GUY!

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	M - Th 11p / 10c
Dick (Uncut)
thedailyshow.com
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