How To Celebrate Your 60th

Some people get face lifts.  Some throw themselves a big party.  Some take their trip of a lifetime.  Some people review their life and friends and ponder the future.  I've just done everything but the face lift.

I'm talking about "turning"; aging, having another birthday; getting old past the middle age mark.  Yes, I mean the big Six OH.  

Five of my friends and I celebrated our 60th birthdays in New Orleans this past week.  We went without our spouses or significant others because that's how we grew up, single and together, some of us since elementary school, all of us since junior high.

In many ways, it was as though no time had passed.  We share so much history, the bulk of it in our youth.  But we've stayed friends from a distance.

Our lives continue to intersect because we take the time to stay in touch.  It's not always perfect.  There has been anger and hurt feelings and sniping along the way, not unlike this trip.  However, what would life be without challenges?

We are beset by issues of varying degrees, some of us drink waaay too much, some have real physical  debilitation, some of us need to dial down the cranky meter more effectively but all of us are comparatively healthy.  Four days in New Orleans carousing, eating and walking will let you know real fast what kind of shape you are in.

I wish I could tell you we had an easy time together, that everyone got along.  Some of us really did our best to go with the flow.  But, by sixty, you are set in your ways and those of us less willing to bend made it tough on the rest.

I can say there was one very surprising revelation, a deep dark secret revealed.  There were minor admittances of indiscretions and stupid behavior as well.  But I viewed it as reaching out for acceptance, approval, forgiveness none of which were offered by one hundred per cent of the group.  Some of us have become more understanding with the years, some less so.

We are a mixed bag facing the rest of our lives.  I look forward to my future but I can't pretend not to mourn my past.  We were young, energetic and extremely bonded.  

And I miss that.

Meanings of Contentment

Malibu Lagoon by Carson Pritchard

After many years of striving for "things" and wanting more, I find myself surprisingly content with what I now have. I say "surprisingly" because it is a surprise...to me. I have always been very security minded; anxious to know I can pay my bills and there's money in the bank for a rainy day. When those things are not in place, I am riddled with anxiety and fear that tends to make me physically ill. So, the idea that I am finally learning the meaning of contentment is a big big surprise and a welcome one.

This occurred to me yesterday while sitting in church. Our wonderful minister was speaking about the things we need to pursue on a daily basis, one of which was to enjoy the life we have. I realized I do enjoy my life now. This wasn't always the case.

I have gone from the needy, striving, covetous position of having nothing and envying others to finding a place for myself in my relationships, my marriage, the working world. I had to evolve from dependence on my husband and friends to dependence on myself. I had to learn to take responsibility; not an easy thing to do when always looking outside myself for happiness.

It has taken 50+ years to understand that happiness truly does come from within. I was told this but never seemed to accept it. I always thought there should be more. But more is all in your head. It is perception and not reality. If you perceive yourself to be happy, you are and vice versa.

This weekend was a fulfilling and reflective series of events. My husband and I attended an art show fundraiser, mingling with the artistic members of our small community. It was a great deal of fun and a different kind of outing for us. Yesterday, our youngest son turned 21, a huge milestone for all concerned. We took seven people to dinner and then he and his friends invited us to one of our favorite bars for a drink. When he paid for our drinks, my husband was all smiles. "This is the way it should be!" he said. I knew what he meant.

We talked about how lucky we are to have two sweet, kind boys, well-liked by their friends, who include their parents in their hopes and dreams and fears. They fill us with pride. Did we do a good job? We did our best.

I do not have the money I wish I had, I do not have the physical health and energy I wish I had. But, I awaken each day, go to a job I like, see my friends often, write in my blog, read my books, garden, cook and participate in life. I'm so far from perfect it's pathetic. I'm so far from secure, it's laughable. But my expectations have lowered considerably. I'm becoming a little easier on myself; more forgiving. These are the things that contribute to my new found sense of well being and contentment.

The painting above is in a collection of art work by my childhood friend, Carson Pritchard. She's another talented artist whose work I want to share. Double click her name above to see her collected works.

Good Friends

Last March, my girlfriend & husband threw a party. The weather outside was frightful but about 60 people drove to her home in the Maine countryside to enjoy a lively and "informal Tex Mex" banquet. She comes from a restaurant family and is a very good cook. She prepared empanadas made with slow roasted pulled pork, refried beans, hot hot chili, corn bread, several kinds of salads, fresh fruit & cheese, enchiladas, guacamole, roasted asparagus, taquitos; it was grand. I prepared a double layered lemon cheesecake with lemon curd topping. Someone else made a Mexican chocolate & cinnamon cake with milk frosting. There was a slushy machine churning out margaritas. You could just walk up, pull the lever and "that frozen concoction" came pouring out.

These photos are from the party. Left is the party giver and artist, Joelle. In the middle is our Swiss friend, Ladina, an amazing skier and athlete. I'm on the right. We girls met when our sons were in third grade. Between the baseball, football, soccer and more, we found ourselves car pooling, cooking for team dinners, planning picnics and time for the families to share with one another. We incorporated our husbands which forever cemented our relationships. Over the past twelve years we have exercised, partied, cooked, played, cried, clung to one another and laughed our asses off over anything we can. In the photo above, we are discussing the benefits vs the defects of high heels while holding Joelle's 4" heels which she has now taken off because her feet hurt.

I'm now 57. Ladina is 51, I think. Joelle is 40. Our friendship is based on a mutual love of the same things and the enjoyment and respect we have for one another. Raising our kids has been easier because we share our frustrations and fear, give good advice when we're asked and sympathise with one another. Our parenting skills are in synch. One night, Joelle and I ferreted out the location of an illegal kid drinking party, drove there, walked in the front door, big as life, pointed to a group of sullen looking boys and said,

"You, You, You...GET IN THE CAR!"

Out came our three boys. I think they were freshmen in high school. Boy, were they embarrassed. My son said it took two years to live that down, heh heh.

Every time we share a meal, we touch glasses and say,

"Here's to us! Here's to good friends."

Body Parts

I want my old body back; the one with my original hips and left knee intact with cartilage. I write this in frustration after watching a fitness enthusiast run wind sprints up a ski mountain . The bastard. I can no more do that now than fly to the moon.

I am twenty pounds overweight. I have degenerative osteoarthritis which, simply put, is the slow disintegration of the major weight bearing joints. Where's that svelte, willowy woman who stayed fit playing tennis four to five times a week swimming laps and running a two mile course each night for cardio stamina?

I should take solace in the fact I've recently lost ten pounds. It has improved my attitude about my looks. But I'm not there yet. As I've aged, I have become more sedentary. I spend too much time on the computer, both at work and at home. I use my car to travel for sales. I no longer take yoga class as I once did. I had a great teacher for several years but I've never found anyone to replace her and I have lost so much range of motion I find it very uncomfortable to do the poses. If I lived in a more populous area, I would most likely find yoga classes for people with more limited capabilities. But here it is "one size fits all".

Now it's an effort to get to the gym to ride a stationary bike or do the treadmill. I tell myself "more self discipline" is required. There are days and weeks where I am motivated to work out, eat right, not drink. I lost 4 lbs on our Florida vacation. I was active, swimming, biking and walking. The weather was so great. I just wanted to be outside all the time, doing things. Here, I have many excuses: I'm tired, overworked, the weather sucks, the bugs are fierce. I don't try. I should be kinder to myself, less critical of my shortcomings. But I also have an obligation to be the best I can be at this particular time in my life.

My wonderful Buddhist therapist says I am grieving. My husband agrees. It sounds ridiculous and over-the-top; but it rings true. I'll never again be what I once was, but, then I didn't know as much as I do now.

Is wisdom the trade off for youth? If it is, when do I learn acceptance?

Security

"Security is mostly imagination, it doesn't exist in nature...life is either a daring adventure or it's nothing at all." Helen Keller 1919-1985

Someone sent this quote to me today in an email. I thought it worth sharing, especially in light of the recent posts I've read expressing various forms of insecurity about jobs, health, children, and the welfare of others.

We are all insecure. I have struggled with it my entire life. There are days I awake and hit the ground running and can talk with anyone about anything. (I'm in sales). There are other days I want to crawl in a hole and avoid interaction completely, afraid someone will find out I'm a fraud. Yesterday I had a hard time speaking on the phone with prospective clients. I found myself explaining that I was having a "brain freeze". I don't need to do that! Nobody cares anyway! That's not insecurity, it's reality. :)

The point is, Helen Keller is right. Security is in your head. You have a job today, you lose it tomorrow. Are you still the same person? Yes. Have your circumstances changed? Yes. Are you now facing adventure? Yes. If you look at new circumstances as an opportunity, as an adventure, it puts a positive spin on things. They don't seem quite as scary.

The yogis have it right. Do what you can today. It may be better or not as good as what you did yesterday but it is the best you can do for now.

Remember "The Road Not Taken".

The Ambivalence of Aging

My best friend and I just made a commitment to take some time over this three day weekend to talk about how we are dealing with aging. She's on the West Coast and I'm in New England so we're going to plan a call.

This came from an idea my therapist put forth that I need to get my feelings about the loss of my looks and my figure and my youth out on the table. He feels I bury them and do not give them credence. He asked if I have someone with whom I could discuss them and I said "Only my husband but he really gets tired of hearing about it." He asked about my girlfriends in New England. I replied they are all younger than I and at different stages in their lives. The best situation for me would be to have a get together with my oldest friends as we are all very close in age.

At first I was resistant to this idea. I said I felt I should be "able to handle it." He looked amused and asked if I felt I should be "above it all" and I said "Yes." I find it humiliating to be so hung up on my looks. It's so shallow. Never mind I was born and raised in Los Angeles, the capital of superficial. But he was very insistent that I am not alone and by talking about it with others I will find we all have similar feelings of loss and sadness and confusion, etc. I think he likens it to a grieving process.

So, this morning I emailed my best friend and mentioned the discussion with him just to see what she'd say. She has always been a pragmatic person and I expected some kind of sage response. Instead she replied,

"I think I need a chat about all this too. It is very hard...losing your looks, losing your body, your health. When shall we chat?"

Wow! Not only was I surprized but I feel expectant, that is, looking forward to it.

I'll keep you posted.

Time in a Bottle... or maybe a bell jar

There is a popular commercial about "time in a bottle" right now that should be about some anti aging formula but is, instead, about a popular anti-histamine pill. Every time I see the beginning of this ad, when the woman remarks how she's found time in a bottle, I think how great it would be. Then they identify the product and I wonder what stupid ad person came up with that? Had to be a guy. Women don't think that way.

I'm struggling with my own sense of time passing right now. I'm attending my high school reunion this year and it is some kind of process to go through. It's like getting ready for the prom...you know...you start thinking about the dress, the hair, the shoes at least a year out. If you're overweight, you diet. If you have acne, you try to clear up your face. If you have a network of friends, you find out who's going and arrange to go together and sit together for dinner and what not. My husband is not going with me. A number of my closest friends aren't going. But a number of them are. My high school boyfriend may go. And I'll see a number of people I haven't seen since the last one I attended, the 25th. Oh, did I mention this is the 40th?

I heard from my best male friend in high school today. He's not going. He says he wants to see me but doesn't think he's ready to deal with the "catastrophic realities" of his life right now. Inotherwords, he's not where he thought he would be at this point in time. I understand his pain. I don't know if anyone is where they thought they would be. I'm sure some people are but I'm betting more of us are not. Why? Money, looks, health, life...Man makes plans and God laughs. I think three of my close girlfriends aren't going because they don't like how they look, don't want to face up to who they were in high school (vs who they are now) or they're not anxious to see their old friends 40 years older. I've already gone through that, the stages of dealing with it all. It's like the five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, grieving, acceptance. You really have to go through it to come out whole on the other side. After all, you are still you. The vessel may have shifted but the spirit is never changing.

En Vino Veritas

I am a wino. No two ways about it. I like my wine and, like a Lay's potato chip, I bet I can't drink just one glass.

I notice many of my female friends, girlfriends, women friends, women my age have the same addiction. They like their wine and they are emphatic about it! One very good friend of mine went on an intense Weight Watcher's diet plan for a year. She was religious about following the point structure and what did she save her extra points for? Her wine! Another friend, the mother of six beautiful raucous daughters who all like to party, will give up her food and will diet but she says she'll never give up her wine.

I think someone should do a scientific study of menopausal women and wine. I really think that's when the addiction sets in. Men don't seem to have it. Maybe it's the sugar, maybe it's something else, like a beer or scotch fetish, but I just don't notice this affection for wine in men. Start looking around at your mothers or co-workers or older sisters friends and colleagues and see what you think.

Women of a Certain Age

What does this title mean anyway? What "certain age" are we talking about? We know it isn't a young age. But how old is it exactly? Am I there yet? Feels like it but I'm not sure how to react to the concept.

It's really hard getting old(er). I'm only 56 but there are days when I move so slowly and with such difficulty I honestly cannot believe I am ONLY 56. It's the aches and pains that get me. I have two hip replacements; one on each side. Why? Degenerative osteoarthritis. Translation: wearing down of the major weight bearing joints thanks to excessive athletic activity in my younger days OR repetitive activities OR genetic pre-disposition aka "bad genes".

I am determined, however, to be upbeat and find solutions to this aging thing and my place and my friends' places as women. We are all in this together. So, let's rock!