Body Parts

I want my old body back; the one with my original hips and left knee intact with cartilage. I write this in frustration after watching a fitness enthusiast run wind sprints up a ski mountain . The bastard. I can no more do that now than fly to the moon.

I am twenty pounds overweight. I have degenerative osteoarthritis which, simply put, is the slow disintegration of the major weight bearing joints. Where's that svelte, willowy woman who stayed fit playing tennis four to five times a week swimming laps and running a two mile course each night for cardio stamina?

I should take solace in the fact I've recently lost ten pounds. It has improved my attitude about my looks. But I'm not there yet. As I've aged, I have become more sedentary. I spend too much time on the computer, both at work and at home. I use my car to travel for sales. I no longer take yoga class as I once did. I had a great teacher for several years but I've never found anyone to replace her and I have lost so much range of motion I find it very uncomfortable to do the poses. If I lived in a more populous area, I would most likely find yoga classes for people with more limited capabilities. But here it is "one size fits all".

Now it's an effort to get to the gym to ride a stationary bike or do the treadmill. I tell myself "more self discipline" is required. There are days and weeks where I am motivated to work out, eat right, not drink. I lost 4 lbs on our Florida vacation. I was active, swimming, biking and walking. The weather was so great. I just wanted to be outside all the time, doing things. Here, I have many excuses: I'm tired, overworked, the weather sucks, the bugs are fierce. I don't try. I should be kinder to myself, less critical of my shortcomings. But I also have an obligation to be the best I can be at this particular time in my life.

My wonderful Buddhist therapist says I am grieving. My husband agrees. It sounds ridiculous and over-the-top; but it rings true. I'll never again be what I once was, but, then I didn't know as much as I do now.

Is wisdom the trade off for youth? If it is, when do I learn acceptance?

Security

"Security is mostly imagination, it doesn't exist in nature...life is either a daring adventure or it's nothing at all." Helen Keller 1919-1985

Someone sent this quote to me today in an email. I thought it worth sharing, especially in light of the recent posts I've read expressing various forms of insecurity about jobs, health, children, and the welfare of others.

We are all insecure. I have struggled with it my entire life. There are days I awake and hit the ground running and can talk with anyone about anything. (I'm in sales). There are other days I want to crawl in a hole and avoid interaction completely, afraid someone will find out I'm a fraud. Yesterday I had a hard time speaking on the phone with prospective clients. I found myself explaining that I was having a "brain freeze". I don't need to do that! Nobody cares anyway! That's not insecurity, it's reality. :)

The point is, Helen Keller is right. Security is in your head. You have a job today, you lose it tomorrow. Are you still the same person? Yes. Have your circumstances changed? Yes. Are you now facing adventure? Yes. If you look at new circumstances as an opportunity, as an adventure, it puts a positive spin on things. They don't seem quite as scary.

The yogis have it right. Do what you can today. It may be better or not as good as what you did yesterday but it is the best you can do for now.

Remember "The Road Not Taken".

Pain

My best friend and I had an hour long talk on the phone yesterday. We are on opposite coasts. We catch up when we can. We promised to have a discussion about our feelings on aging but as it turned out, we talked about our pain; physical pain, that is.

We've known one another since we were fourteen. No pain then. It's something we're each trying to get used to without much success. I take a lot of acetaminophen and ibuprofen. She suffers the pain so she can have her wine at night. You see, alcohol and certain pain relievers are both hard on the liver. It's a double whammy if you aren't careful.

Today I tried to do a simple 35 minute yoga routine that includes lunges & hip bends and I could not do it. I lasted three minutes. It just hurt too much.

Now, it's not this way every day. Some days I am in good shape, fairly limber and have a limited but not unreasonable range of motion. Other days, everything hurts and I just want to sit or lie down.

But then there are my other friends in constant, unrelenting pain. One has had a spinal fusion and many other operations. She has metal rods in her spine. They attach horizontally and vertically. I can't explain it better than that. The x rays tell the tale. She stands straight as an arrow and will never again bend at the waist. She is never out of pain. So what the hell do I have to complain about?

The Power of Black & White Photography

Winter Tree 1


Balasana


White on Black

Diet, Exercise & The Best Intentions

I first started exercising to lose weight (as opposed to just having fun) when I was 24. I'd been married a year. I remember beginning a running regimen, calorie counting and eating Deserta(sp?) for sweets. It worked. In three months I'd lost 20 of the 30 lbs gained while backpacking through Europe four years earlier. My girlfriend and I spent three months travelling and eating mostly pastry, drinking mostly beer & just packing on the lbs. Carbs are cheap.

It came off fairly easily and I did not regain weight until I was pregnant and then only a little. By the time I reached my mid-forties, I was still a muscular 138 lbs, playing tennis four times a week, doing yoga nightly and I still fit into a size 6.

Those days began to slip away when I learned I'd need my first hip replacement at the tender age of 47. Five years later I had the other hip replaced. Now one knee needs replacing. It's been a slow but insidious weight gain ever since and I now top the scale @ 165. (I can't believe I'm admitting that!) I lost 10 lbs last summer to attend my high school reunion but I gained it all back over the Christmas holidays.

If I really had guts I'd post "Before" and "After" photos of my weight gain. In other words, the "before" would be me slim & trim. Not gonna happen. Can't deal with it. My husband is kind enough to photoshop my chin for photos we send out now. Otherwise, no one would have any.

I am, however, making another vow to exercise four times per week, 30 minutes minimum. I'm reducing, no eliminating, my alcohol intake. As for eating...well, I have to really curtail my favorite pastime: cooking. If I do all that, maybe I'll be able to lose the weight, get my knee replaced, go back to playing tennis, stop doing yoga for arthritics and start doing real yoga again.

Yes. And pigs will fly.