February 28, 2011
Unemployment Rose Last Week By Two and a Half Men
Jobs ‘Gone Forever,’ Says Labor Department
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) – The economic recovery received an unexpected jolt today as the Labor Department announced that unemployment increased last week by two and a half men.
The 2.5 jobs were lost in the Los Angeles, California area and are “gone forever,” a Labor Department spokesman said in a surprisingly downbeat assessment.
But in a possible boost for the California economy, pharmaceutical giant Pfizer today announced plans to begin marketing a new blockbuster drug called Charlie Sheen.
A bill is already moving through the California State Assembly that would make the drug Charlie Sheen legal for medicinal purposes.
But Carol Foyler, a spokesman for a leading antidrug group in the state, warns that legalizing Charlie Sheen could have “disastrous effects.”
The drug Charlie Sheen is a gateway drug that leads to harder stuff, like the drug Mel Gibson,” she said.
In other news, the big winner at the Academy Awards was James Franco’s dealer.