I want my old body back; the one with my original hips and left knee intact with cartilage. I write this in frustration after watching a fitness enthusiast run wind sprints up a ski mountain . The bastard. I can no more do that now than fly to the moon.
I am twenty pounds overweight. I have degenerative osteoarthritis which, simply put, is the slow disintegration of the major weight bearing joints. Where's that svelte, willowy woman who stayed fit playing tennis four to five times a week swimming laps and running a two mile course each night for cardio stamina?
I should take solace in the fact I've recently lost ten pounds. It has improved my attitude about my looks. But I'm not there yet. As I've aged, I have become more sedentary. I spend too much time on the computer, both at work and at home. I use my car to travel for sales. I no longer take yoga class as I once did. I had a great teacher for several years but I've never found anyone to replace her and I have lost so much range of motion I find it very uncomfortable to do the poses. If I lived in a more populous area, I would most likely find yoga classes for people with more limited capabilities. But here it is "one size fits all".
Now it's an effort to get to the gym to ride a stationary bike or do the treadmill. I tell myself "more self discipline" is required. There are days and weeks where I am motivated to work out, eat right, not drink. I lost 4 lbs on our Florida vacation. I was active, swimming, biking and walking. The weather was so great. I just wanted to be outside all the time, doing things. Here, I have many excuses: I'm tired, overworked, the weather sucks, the bugs are fierce. I don't try. I should be kinder to myself, less critical of my shortcomings. But I also have an obligation to be the best I can be at this particular time in my life.
My wonderful Buddhist therapist says I am grieving. My husband agrees. It sounds ridiculous and over-the-top; but it rings true. I'll never again be what I once was, but, then I didn't know as much as I do now.
Is wisdom the trade off for youth? If it is, when do I learn acceptance?